I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize