Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
you are never too drunk for berry picking
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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