do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
