your parents love me but you hate me
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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