i was rollin on her like bob the builder
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
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