When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
