Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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