i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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