I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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