Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
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