You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
i think my cat just said my name.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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