She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
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