I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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