My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize