Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
