If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize