She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
