You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
