so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
