I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
