she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
accomplished twins. life is a go
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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