it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
