If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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