I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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