we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
