Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
