So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
