that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
