Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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