take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
