I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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