i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
