His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
