he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
