I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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