Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just want to make out with him forever
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize