I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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