is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
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