I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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