i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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