There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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