I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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