trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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