i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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