My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize