Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
