Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
