You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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