I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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