she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Randomize
