My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Randomize
