Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
