its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
