Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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