my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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