I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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