I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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