So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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