every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
