My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
